sometimes i do catch shade for being too honest.
transparency can be intimidating especially if you aren’t used to having someone rip their heart out and hand it to you. “you’re brutally honest, it takes time to process.”
i used to be honest to a fault, in a rude way... but I’ve grown. it’s not rude anymore, usually.
now it’s more something that just has to be emptied out. my brain and my heart need to lay everything out on the table for me to process it. i need to feel the weight of it. feel all the emotions. sit with it. let it go. let it take me. let it affect me. let it drown me or uplift me. own it no matter what.
my 2016 new year’s resolution was to trust my gut. you know when you think, "ugh, i should've just gone with my first instinct"? I felt that all the time. since then, i've tried to actively stick to it. BEST DECISION EVER.
one time i thought, "i want to give michael a hug when i go get coffee. even if he doesn't need it, i need it. and he's someone i really want to know better." now i get a hug from him every time i go when he's there and it's one of my favorite parts of the day. i did it even though i was meeting an acquaintance there because we wanted to talk about working on something together, and the possibility that this new acquaintance turned friend could've thought i was crazy was definitely something that crossed my mind.
last week i emailed all of the HHM makers and poured out my heart, anxiety, and stress. i've told friends about my bipolar, therapy, insecurity, and personal struggles. i've written about it here.
as soon as i hit send on a vulnerable text or email, or intense words leave my mouth i flinch a little. i wait for the repercussions, the "please put that away", hide the crazy, the emotions, the love, the passion, the excitement. tone it down.
instead i've been met with a resounding thank you and lots of "i'm so glad you said that because i've struggled with that too."
you attract those that are like you and i have noticed that my friends have been going through this too. i feel like the world is growing with me. with us. our country is the most divided but also the most outspoken. the light will outshine the darkness, soon i hope. and look at the women in our country. look at ANY of the powerful women i'm surrounded by. you know what they hear when they open up about insecurities, broken hearts, depression, being overwhelmed? GIRL, SAME.
i hope mathew has men and women in his life that he can say that to. i hope douglas and isabella find multiple friend soulmates that they know feel them, understand them, don't judge them. i hope you are that person to someone. being that is so important. having that is so important.
so i will keep my heart on my sleeve even when it hurts. i will keep feeling everything completely, even when that feeling is nothing. and i will save it in my brain, in my heart, and in my soul, for when you need it too.