I wondered where Douglas got it from.
The social anxiety. The need for structure. He's borderline OCD.
Of course I blamed his dad. He shuts down in a big crowd, gets nervous going to new places UNLESS he has someone he knows there. That someone is usually me - I'm his shield, his safe place, his excuse to leave, or not go. If you've seen us together you know that's freaking hilarious. I can't physically protect that giant guy from anything. But what's great about our relationship is that he's my shield too. He says those "you're something else.." phrases over and over because when he's there I know I'm safe. I know I can let my guard down. I know he'll take care of me. He's got me.
Douglas gets nervous before every school year. (more than normal) Before we go anywhere new. He wants to know who is going to be there, what we're going to do, what it'll be like.
He's gotten better though. Art Feeds helped him a lot. Talking about the anxiety and letting it be normal, not a weakness, helped make it more manageable.
Lately I've been feeling busier than usual. I HAVE been busier than usual if you can imagine that. I love my job and though it's not corporate or traditional, we try to keep it pretty structured. I've had at least 1 party or event every weekend since Christmas so my Saturdays have been built around those too. But then Sunday comes and besides the routine Sunday morning things and Isabella's gymnastics class that evening I'm left feeling blah. That Sunday feeling of I don't want to waste this.. but there are so many possibilities. Oh no what do I do? So then I end up not doing much of anything and feeling bad about that then beating myself up about it.
It happened every. weekend.
Finally Sunday before last, I sat with it. I talked to my friend about it. I talked to myself about it. It's anxiety. It's not having the workweek structure. It's being too hard on yourself Emma.
This last weekend was the first one I hadn't planned much for all year and just as I headed home from work I felt it. The Sunday blues on a Friday night. I immediately wanted out. I needed M to get home so I could go for a drive, hang out with friends then regret not staying home.
Thankfully I thought better of it. Get it out of your brain, put it down. That always helps. Lists help. I started simple - basic self care - restorative steps. Then the usual things I take care of on Saturdays like setting up my grandma's medicine for the week and random stuff like distributing door hangers for Mr. Shelfer.
I didn't get everything on the list done. I forgot my macbook at home, only got through part of my Shelfer list so far, and the anxiety was still there, but I didn't become useless like other times. I even accomplished a lot of things that were not on there. But the list served as my shield. My security blanket. I had my next steps down. I could choose to feel like a loser for a few minutes but when I decided to stop, I had a guide. I even blocked out some time to go buy new underwear and shoes because no matter what, having fun underwear and cute shoes on makes you feel better.
xo - emma