I started writing this in August. But it's that time of year where I say things like: "I'm going to write once a week!" and "I've gotta work out more" and "we're going to have friends over for dinner every day!" I know myself enough to understand this will pass. But while the feeling is there, it's too good and even if we only have a couple of dinners with friends - those are my favorite memories. So I'll take it.

I was going to delete it. But I also want this out there for when my kids are older and they need it. For when I need it. And in case you need it. 

August 6th, 2017:

Last Sunday was Isabella’s friend’s last day at gymnastics before moving out of state. I told Isabella that she should tell her good luck and goodbye since it would be a while before she saw her. Isabella just said bye and acted kind of like she didn’t care really… didn’t even think to give her a hug. Yet as we were pulling away from the gym and heading home she just broke down crying and said she didn’t want her to move. Somehow that got her thinking of her great grandpa that passed away a few years ago, then about our dog Bruno that died this last winter. She pretty much started thinking of all the bad things that have happened in her short life.

I pulled over, parked, held her, and let her feel it all raw and deep.

It always amazes at how much that little one and I are alike. This last week was an emotional one for me and I had the exact same thing that happened to her happen to me. With some recent events I found myself having mostly existential thoughts and some weird skewed form of survivors guilt. The death of a coworker/friend made my heart so heavy even though I knew it was coming. She had been so sick and I am glad that she isn’t suffering anymore but my heart broke mostly for her babies. It also reminded me of another dear friend that left my life last year (I talk a little about it here) and made me miss her even more. I think of how lovely, caring, giving, and just amazing some people are yet get dealt a bad hand and I’m over here failing at everyday life. I'm alive and well but not being all that I wish I could be, or doing all that I should do, and most importantly doing things I know I shouldn't. Here I am,  perfectly healthy despite treating my body like a garbage can.

There’s this episode of Invisibilia where they talk about a guy that is worried he is capable of murder because he thinks about all the different ways he could kill his wife all the time on purpose or by accident. Yet after some psych evaluation they tell him he’s actually just super caring. He cares so much that he’s worried he’ll hurt her. It’s like an OCD thing. In a weird way, I can relate. I’ve thought that someone else would love Mathew better, would be a better mom for my kids, a better friend for all my friends, that I’m bad at my job, that I’m basically a piece of crap. I love them so much that I think they deserve the absolute best. AKA, not me. Logically, I know that that isn’t true. Though I’ve had my shitty moments and don’t want you to even ask who I was or where my brain was for a bit 6-7 years ago, I think I'm ok now. I want to hug all those people I screwed over or just completely hurt during that time. I want to take it back. I’m not that person anymore and I genuinely want everyone to be happy. I’m embarrassed at some of the things I did during that “dark period” but it’s also brought me here. It led me down the the path to find out that my brain is a little different. my chemical levels are kind of a mess, but also that it's not hopeless. It diagnosed me with bipolar. It helped make me me, but it doesn't define me. 

I think sometimes we just share the pretty stuff, the fun stuff, the cool things we do. Due to Mathew’s work I see a lot of fitness inspiration posts, lots of meal preps, hours upon hours spent at the gym, but my favorite parts are when someone like Sara Sigmundsdottir say she’s gonna go eat some pizza at the end of the day at the Crossfit Games. I see local trainers that only post about how good they are doing, which don’t get me wrong good for you we all need to see that! We want to celebrate with you. But show us the struggles too. Yes, we all know you can have 1 vodka water with lime when you go out and avoid the calories but c’mon… we know that you too probably turn to our friends Ben & Jerry when you’ve had a rough week. (Or justify it by getting Halo Top) We know that even when your instagram shows only posts of your beautiful clutter free house that your laundry is piled up in a corner somewhere. We know that even if your kids are always photographed dressed in matching outfits and their hair is perfect, that there are days when you are radio silent because one of them threw up on you and you just want to go to sleep and try again. HEY, IT’S OK. I love that there are people that show everyone that side of them, that say, “hey, I’m human too.” If you want to be an inspiration, show it all. The good AND the bad. Seeing all that you are able to accomplish despite the struggles, THAT is inspiring.

There is almost always music playing in our house. From Johnny Cash to Kendrick Lamar the range is kind of ridiculous. This year the song that hit me the hardest was Glorious, by Macklemore.  It's upbeat and positive but surprisingly, it made me cry. The lyrics just gutted me. Things that were hard to process or comprehend happened to families of friends. As one of those weird OCD over caring people when I feel things. I feel them deep. Mathew used to say I was “too sensitive” now he gets it and understands me better... instead he’ll say, “you just feel so deeply” when I cry for Syrian refuges and want to adopt all the Salvadorian kids.  The strongest people cry because they are the ones who feel all the feelings. Picture Glorious jamming through the speakers, bass beating, and me ugly crying.

I heard you die twice, once when they bury you in the grave
And the second time is the last time that somebody mentions your name
So when I leave here on this earth, did I take more than I gave?
Did I look out for the people or did I do it all for fame?

Another morning, a morning, don't let self get in my way
I got my breath, I got my faith and I remember why I came

I feel glorious, glorious
Got a chance to start again
I was born for this, born for this
It's who I am, how could I forget?
I made it through the darkest part of the night
And now I see the sunrise
Now I feel glorious, glorious
I feel glorious, glorious {via}

December 30, 2017:

I still love that song and the spirit of it is just what I need when I start questioning me. There are so many things that I know. I know those words. I know this life is a gift. This year I also got my first tattoo, it says "Be Still And Know". Not just because of the Psalm, thought God is God and that assures me oh so much, but also because when the noise in my head gets too loud and I start overthinking all the things I need this reminder. I need to remember to sit still with me, with my kids, with my husband, with my family, with my friends, with whatever is happening at the time and remember who I am. (insert Mufasa "Simba, remember who you are" sound bite here.)

Here's to 2018 and all the New Year feelings bring. Cheers! xo- Emma