I try to post a #livingthedream moment on Snapchat as often as I can. Most times it's a backyard shot (our backyard is magical you guys!) but it can be something like us eating dinner, me getting 5 minutes alone, or even the normal every day things like a sink full of dishes. I try to remember that even though my life is super full and I feel like I'm in the middle of a whirlwind most of the time everything is pretty great.
I know that I'm a giver and I want to take care of everyone... But sometimes that doesn't turn out so well and I get stuck in one sided friendships/relationships. However, when it comes to these guys I'm never let down. Quiet evenings like this one last week when everyone is finally feeling better after a round of sickness and we can laugh and share stories even when I have to interpret some of them make it all totally worth it.
And as an added bonus there's always Mathew, even with his busy schedule and business no matter what is happening he's there loving me, showing up, and helping me be me. I am the one taking care of these humans today, but he is always there taking care of me.
The last few weeks have been rough. Not bad, just a lot. Heavy. I feel like I haven't had time to be the friend I always try to be. But I'm learning (slowly) that I don't have to. That friendships like all relationships are give and take. Sometimes I won't be able to give as much as a friend needs because I have these humans depending on me at home... That's ok, friendships pick up right where they left off! And catching up over nachos or pizza is the funnest thing ever!
For the most part, I am pretty steadfast I think. I can usually be found handling the logistics and the details in a pinch. I'm the one that always moves the party along and wants things organized... I'm clumsy but I own it. I'm like an organized inspiring mess. However, there are a few personal things that just get me. There are a couple of things that just make me sad. This last weekend I almost broke down at a wedding reception because people started talking politics and I just can't deal. Why can't we all just be kind to each other. Look at things from everyone's point of view? Protect ourselves without compromising love, empathy, and kindness?
Times like that are when I miss my friend Angie even more. She died last year and since then I think of her almost daily. Last weekend while doing some cleaning I came across a letter from her from years ago. In it she mentioned relationships and not settling. She said things like "life is what you make it" and "having a heart that's in tune with God doesn't mean going far away and doing mission work... people are everywhere and people are the heart of God. People need to know that God loves them and they need to see that you have something they may not."
"Serving God is serving people."
Givers, care takers, movers and shakers get weary, but this reminded me to hang in there and keep giving. I cannot imagine things any other way. How boring my life would be without all the little ways I try to be a help, a blessing, a friend, and a light. How patient, kind, loving, and awesome is Mathew for being just as giving AND helping me be what I aspire to be?! How awesome are my friends and family that love me for who I am and want nothing but good things and fun times for me?! A dear friend told me that when she's around Mat she feels like she's with one of her brothers. She feels safe, cared for, and loved. That's the goal you guys. To be that for people. To love people and care so much that they feel it radiating out of you. I know I can't be that for everyone (as much as I'd want to be). Sometimes there is no connection and forcing it just doesn't work. Sometimes that's with people you'll see every once in a while, sometimes those weak connection relationships are family. That sucks... but it's also ok. You just do your best, give what you can, and be content. The best thing you can be for others is to be ok yourself. "If you want to give light to others, you have to glow yourself" ( -Thomas Monson)
I remember looking at Angie and her husband Kenneth and knowing I wanted that kind of love, that kind of intimacy, that kind of understanding. I'm so glad I found it in all the people around me.