The last couple of days have been funky. I've just felt off.
I mean, we all know that I'm the clumsiest and pull off things like ruining the Christmas gift one of my best friend's got for her husband or accidentally emailing the person a surprise party is for about said surprise party... Seriously. I'm very entertaining. I should have my own reality show. Although not really because then I'd be even more self conscious than I already am and you'd see me be super grumpy in the mornings.
Lately it's felt like my train wreck ways are on a whole new level. Maybe because I interact with more people now? Who knows.
I usually love November and December so much, this time however it feels daunting and like I'm just going to suck at all the holiday festivities. I'm not super excited about Christmas because it feels like it's become about stuff. Just stuff. Not even useful stuff or fun stuff. Just things. Stores are just screaming at you to buy all the things. And I want to.
For me the best kinds of gifts are:
- practical things
- ridiculous funny gifts (like a Beyonce cardboard cut out...)
- gift cards
- warm comfy socks
As someone who hasn't cleaned out her closets in a while, random stuff is the last thing I want to add.
This isn't to rag on anyone at all or if you love stuff. I mean you should see my collection of lapel pins and don't even get me started on craft supplies. I love things. I just don't want to. It's nothing against others it mostly just comes back to me and how I neglected everything while I was in going through my "who the heck is that person that took over Emma's body?!" phase. I've talked about that and my bipolar disorder before and I feel that I've got an ok handle on it now. Besides having a good relationship with Mathew + the kids, I've got a great job where I truly do like what I do, The Hip Handmade Market thrives, EmmaMade is still something I like but have a healthy relationship with and don't let it take over my life, Emma's Party Shop is happening in 2017 (I can feel it!), Kristen + I have started a podcast that will release THIS week, I have such good friends and surround myself with good people. I feel good about my relationship with my mom and my brother.
Overall, things are good.
BUT my house is a wreck. Baby clothes still in tubs, there's a corner of the basement that is just stacked with stuff. 2 kitchen drawers of junk. Crammed closets. I don't even know what's in there. I want to just pull it all out and give it way. or throw it away. or burn it. I just want it all gone. We wouldn't miss it. As with all things though, if you let it go for a while.. for weeks, months, years, it becomes too much. It's overwhelming. So when we dig out the christmas stuff and we bring home giant loads of gifts and "stuff" I just see my failure as a woman. We're supposed to do it all don't you know?
At least somehow that's what my brain keeps telling me.
My therapist has said I'm really mean and hard on myself. I've talked about that here before too. A full time office job has been a part of my life for 3 months now and I am extremely grateful for this new chapter in my life because not only has it introduced me to new people that I already adore, I've also learned to give myself more grace. Grace allows me to tell myself that I can just buy the muffins and don't have to make them from scratch, or use a mix babe! That it's ok if someone else hears about the kids' day before I do. That it's ok if I want to do nothing but take a bath and go to sleep every once in a while. That I can sneak away to the gym or to record a podcast or go for a drive or whatever I want and let Mathew worry about bed time.
Even then, that mom guilt is oh so real and still strong. Especially when things are backed up and you feel suffocated by them. When you don't want to clean that drawer because it'll just start a cleaning frenzy and you'll be grumpy at the whole family during the little time you get to spend with them... And then your kids will only remember you as a mean mom who flipped out all the time because they left their shoes in the hallway. Hey again mom guilt! Also I'm only spending 10 less hours a week with the kids.. that's not a big deal. They're fine, they'll survive, I'll survive. It's the guilt I tell ya!
Our house isn't dirty... besides all the dog hair. It's just out of order. cluttered. And I don't need cleaning tips, I know how to do it. I'm very organized and on top of things kind of person. It just got bad while I was mentally gone and I'm struggling to put it back. To start over.
I feel like I can do anything. But I've gotta get my house in order first. Without yelling or throwing things at anyone. I'll let you know how it goes...
In the mean time, I have successfully done most of my Christmas shopping at craft shows and markets this year and I've tried to buy useful things. I've got one more big one to go to next weekend and then I should be done! That feels nice.
Today we started the wood stove for the winter, I set out some zinnia's to dry so I can use the seeds next spring, (that included a lady bug stowaway) and I'm knitting some hats for new babes that I can't wait to meet! What I'm definitely not doing is cleaning out any closets or drawers.