The Sunday Blues

I wondered where Douglas got it from. 

The social anxiety. The need for structure. He's borderline OCD.

Of course I blamed his dad. He shuts down in a big crowd, gets nervous going to new places UNLESS he has someone he knows there. That someone is usually me - I'm his shield, his safe place, his excuse to leave, or not go. If you've seen us together you know that's freaking hilarious. I can't physically protect that giant guy from anything. But what's great about our relationship is that he's my shield too. He says those "you're something else.." phrases over and over because when he's there I know I'm safe. I know I can let my guard down. I know he'll take care of me. He's got me.

Douglas gets nervous before every school year. (more than normal) Before we go anywhere new. He wants to know who is going to be there, what we're going to do, what it'll be like. 

He's gotten better though. Art Feeds helped him a lot. Talking about the anxiety and letting it be normal, not a weakness, helped make it more manageable.

Lately I've been feeling busier than usual. I HAVE been busier than usual if you can imagine that. I love my job and though it's not corporate or traditional, we try to keep it pretty structured. I've had at least 1 party or event every weekend since Christmas so my Saturdays have been built around those too. But then Sunday comes and besides the routine Sunday morning things and Isabella's gymnastics class that evening I'm left feeling blah. That Sunday feeling of I don't want to waste this.. but there are so many possibilities. Oh no what do I do? So then I end up not doing much of anything and feeling bad about that then beating myself up about it. 


It happened every. weekend.

Finally Sunday before last, I sat with it. I talked to my friend about it. I talked to myself about it. It's anxiety. It's not having the workweek structure. It's being too hard on yourself Emma. 

This last weekend was the first one I hadn't planned much for all year and just as I headed home from work I felt it. The Sunday blues on a Friday night. I immediately wanted out. I needed M to get home so I could go for a drive, hang out with friends then regret not staying home. 

Thankfully I thought better of it. Get it out of your brain, put it down. That always helps. Lists help. I started simple - basic self care - restorative steps. Then the usual things I take care of on Saturdays like setting up my grandma's medicine for the week and random stuff like distributing door hangers for Mr. Shelfer


I didn't get everything on the list done. I forgot my macbook at home, only got through part of my Shelfer list so far, and the anxiety was still there, but I didn't become useless like other times. I even accomplished a lot of things that were not on there. But the list served as my shield. My security blanket. I had my next steps down. I could choose to feel like a loser for a few minutes but when I decided to stop, I had a guide. I even blocked out some time to go buy new underwear and shoes because no matter what, having fun underwear and cute shoes on makes you feel better. 

xo - emma

True Love

Last night before we went to sleep I spent a few minutes laying on my Mat's chest.

Dead weight.

Just laying there in my oversized t-shirt on his bare chest listening to him breath while we talked about our life.

It's easy to do when you're half his size.

I told him I loved him. He told me he loved me too.

I said, "you do huh? like you really love me"

And he said, "yeah."

Except he took a deep breath before saying it. He kind of sighed when he said it.

It made me laugh and I told him that it sounded... heavy. Like loving me is heavy.

It is.

I know I'm a lot.

He laughed because he is well aware. 

He knows it takes guts, wit, patience, and so much humor to love me.

Tonight I sat on our bed wrapped in a big fluffy blanket on my macbook AND my phone while he worked and watched tv from the recliner he has in our bedroom.

I was working on sending out emails for The Hip Handmade Market, helping do some planning for a friend's campaign, and thinking about a few extra things we had come up that we weren't expecting at work all at the same time.

I looked up to see him smiling and starring at me.

I paused for a minute and asked him what.

"I love seeing you like this. In your element. I know there's so much going on in that brain of yours."

Love is real you guys.



I post this on Facebook pretty much every year. But this should be its permanent home.


Every year on Martin Luther King Jr day I think of this story. As a sensitive human and more so as a mom it totally got me. Telling our children about history, about why they are "mixed" and what that means, about how not long ago their daddy and I couldn't have been married legally, how people discriminate others for just the color of their skin or where they're from or the way they talk is a tough one. Their child hearts and brains don't compute such hate, ignorance, or bigotry. Neither does mine. Luckily I haven't experienced or witnessed too terrible acts of hate as I know were normal and are still every day occurrences for some. I love what MLK Jr stood for, what his name and legacy still stand for, and appreciate this day to reflect on that even if it makes me sad. One of my favorite things about him and his story is that despite his downfalls and we all know some of them, he persisted. He still did the thing and the work THROUGH the struggles of his own selfish sins. The same kind we all struggle with. I've shared this story the last couple of years and I probably will every year. It's a good reminder of how far we've come and how much more we still need to work on just being kind to one another, doing unto others as we would have them do unto us... No matter what they look like or where they come from.

"Well, it all began at Christmas two years ago, when my daughter was four years old. And it was the first time that she had ever asked about what did this holiday mean. And so I explained to her that this was celebrating the birth of Jesus. And she wanted to know more about that. And we went out and bought a kid's Bible and had these readings at night. She loved them, wanted to know everything about Jesus.

So we read a lot about his birth and about his teaching, and she would ask constantly what that phrase was. And I would explain to her that it was "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." And we would talk about those old words and what that all meant, you know?

And then one day, we were driving past a big church, and out front was an enormous crucifix. She said, "Who is that?" And I guess I'd never really told that part of the story. So I had this sort of "Yeah, oh, well, that's Jesus. And I forgot to tell you the ending. Yeah, well, he ran afoul of the Roman government." This message that he had was so radical and unnerving to the prevailing authorities of the time that they had to kill him. They came to the conclusion that he would have to die. That message was too troublesome.

It was about a month later after that Christmas. We'd gone through the whole story of what Christmas meant, and it was mid-January. And her preschool celebrates the same holidays as the local schools. So Martin Luther King Day was off. So I knocked off work that day, and I decided we'd play and I'd take her out to lunch. And we were sitting in there, and right on the table where we happened to plop down was the art section of the local newspaper. And there, big as life, was a huge drawing by a 10-year-old kid in the local schools of Martin Luther King.

And she said, "Who's that?" And I said, "Well, as it happens, that's Martin Luther King. And he's why you're not in school today. So we're celebrating his birthday. This is the day we celebrate his life." And she said, "So who was he?" And I said, "Well, he was a preacher." And she looks up at me and goes, "For Jesus?" And I said, "Yeah. Yeah, actually, he was. But there was another thing that he was really famous for, which is that he had a message."

And you're trying to say this to a four-year-old. This is the first time they ever hear anything, so you're just very careful about how you phrase everything. So I said, "Well, yeah, he was a preacher and he had a message." She said, "What was his message?" And I said, "Well, he said that you should treat everybody the same no matter what they look like."

And she thought about that for a minute. And she said, "Well, that's what Jesus said." And I said, "Yeah, I guess it is. I never thought of it that way, but yeah." And that is sort of like, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." And she thought for a minute and looked up at me and said, "Did they kill him too?" {Jack Hitt on This American Life Episodes 188 + 605: Kid Logic…/episo…/605/kid-logic-2016}

I love driving and where we live the sky is vast and the stars bright. I think I see shooting stars often. However, I also know myself and convince my mind it's probably just something else out of the corner of my eye or a reflection off my glasses or something else. Tonight, when I was almost home from a 4 hour drive, I'm 100% sure I saw a meteor. It was beautiful and then I cried at how perfect it was and the reassurance that God knows what we need and when we need it and gives it to us freely. I had just been thinking about how I needed to post this story again and then this video below came to mind. Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have A Dream" speech along with Bey's Freedom is POWERFUL.  This is one of my favorite Beyonce performances. (+ that fringe you guys...) Happy Day! 


Sometimes I do read more news or listen to more talk radio but this girl that feels too much cannot handle listening to everything going on in our world. So I start most mornings with just listening to NPR's UpFirst. It is just enough of what I need/want to be in the know about, + I can always dive in more on my own if I want to. Steve Inskeep makes my mornings! Monday when he quoted Donald Trump I almost spit my toothpaste out. He didn't have to make a comment, just read what Mr. Trump said and it speaks for itself. Steve Inskeep is honest and blunt without being smug or rude and asks the questions that should be asked. 

Today I knew El Salvador would be talked about.

It's rough being what my friend Julia calls "a coconut". Brown on the outside, white on the inside. It kind of offended me at first, because though I knew it, I'd never been referred to that way. But it is who I am. I enjoy brunch and yoga like all the white girls but would never turn down a pupusa or be afraid to go to the sketchy taco place. I am both proud of this country and saddened by it. I am both concerned about being careful and protective of its borders and pro the "American Dream".

I AM The American Dream. I am blessed, lucky, fortunate, privileged. My mother suffered for me to be where I am today. It is only by God's grace that I am here. That I live in a house with finished floors, heat, plumbing. 

TPS is why I was allowed to stay here. And though I have not been under TPS for a long time now, nor do I think that I am in danger or losing my right to be here. It does cross my mind. 

From when they are toddlers we tell our kids those mantras we think will help them be who they are where they are, yet want them to excel in everything they do. We use those phrases you tell yourself to make you feel better about not losing the weight or quitting the job. The lines you repeat to allow yourself to be lazy. Though I agree that you should work with what you have and make the most of what you're given... What are we teaching our children when we tell them that "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit" or to "make it do, or do without"? Don't we all want better for them? For ourselves, for our community, for those around us, for our world? 

You get what you get and you don't throw a fit, but what if what you get is nothing?

El Salvador TPS convo - at 4:35